I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
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I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
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last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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