hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
zippers are such a cool invention
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
