Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
