I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar