last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub