John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?