Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
