I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.