My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
