We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
