I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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