just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
