: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
