What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
