your room smells of hookers.
And success
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
