That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
