Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
