Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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