i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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