I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
