I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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