i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
