the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
