He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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