Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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