My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
