i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
