she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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