she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
