Nicole vs. Life
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
