So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
