No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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