there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
