I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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