4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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