awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
