So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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