Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
