Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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