well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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