You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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