she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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