I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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