i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
