she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
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P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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