You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
