hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
