Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
