matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
