Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
