I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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