wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.