Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
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he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
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As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.