i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She needs sedatives and a leash
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.