I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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