Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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