How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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