upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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