Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
