i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
